the world through my rose-tinted glasses...my world...

Taking A Chance

2009-11-14T04:57:00.003+08:00

My customer was late for almost 20mins for his meeting, hence the time to write this amateur poem at his office lobby. Enjoy!

Taking A Chance
By Dorothy

Here I am again, deliberating
Unsettled to hear my heart wavering
Have always believed risks must be measured
That all actions are to be rightly calculated
Coz I won't take a chance at life.

I envy those who laugh & forget tomorrows
And those who can cry the full weight of their sorrows
I envy hearts who hope, knowing they'll be broken
After, still making the choice to keep them open
Coz I won't take a chance at life.

I won't take the steps that may break me
Though he may well be the one who makes me
Just breathe softly and his scent will stay
Don't sleep too deep and he won't fade away
Coz I won't take a chance at life.

Seeing his smile puts me on a high
Thinking about him sets my soul alight
The higher you climb, the harder you fall
I am not ready to lose it all
Coz I won't take a chance at life.

He might have faked what he doesn't feel
Mirroring, I too, faked what I do feel
All my questions, I have the answers to
In time, my heart will understand my mind too
Coz I won't take a chance at life.

Lost?

2009-10-30T02:07:00.002+08:00

Lost By David Wagoner

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

If You Could See Me Now...

2008-08-16T10:45:00.003+08:00

Finished a book I borrowed from Wenz by Cecelia Ahern, "If You Could See Me Now". If her name sounds familiar to you... it's coz she's the author who wrote the book of the recently screened movie, "P.S. I Love You."

Go read it if you do have the time, it's a book on an imaginary friends that most kids have when they are young...Just that in this book, it tells the story from the angle of the imaginary friend.

Have you ever wished that a certain someone 'could see you now'?

Ever lost a loved one and wished that he/she is around to witness what you've are now...?

I wished my grandparents who passed on could see me now, and how tall I've grown since they last saw me...I wished I could take them to all the places they want to go to, and tell them all that I've accomplished and things I've learnt over these years... *grin*

It's not that I'm regretting not doing all those till it's too late...coz i would never have where i am now or said what I'm saying now when they were still alive...but it's just be nice if i could have another conversation with them...

HORRORS! I just realized it's the 7th month...er...okiez...i think i'd better stay off this subject for the time being.

Anyway, I think i'm drifting off...

I just got back from a mahjong marathon with some of my friends. We played from about 7.30pm yesterday till 7.30am this morning! Completed 6 rounds in 12 hours...I broke my personal record for mahjong...the last record was only 3 rounds!

Then took my dog out for a walk after that and bathed her (now she's sleeping on my pillow), watched the Olympics (Michael Phleps is amazing!), finished the last chapter of a book and am now lying in bed blogging.

YAWN!So now you understand why i'm starting to blabber...

Tataz...go read the book if you can.

Friends Forever

2008-04-27T23:56:00.003+08:00

Things always change a great deal during the course of your life, but ask around what doesn't change much, and the answer that most often gets back to you is 'friends'.

I don't claim to have more friends than most, but one thing I'm always proud of, is that I've a handful that truly embodies the true meaning of friendship. They may not be the people I'm around 24hrs a day, nor are they always the first I call on when I'm depressed, neither are they the first to know when something happens in my life...

Yet, I still think... with them, who needs more friends? *wink* They are enough...more than enough. :P

They are the ones who contributed to shaping my life (and the shape of my ass...with all the makan sessions we've had), they are the ones who tries to understand my warped point of views, the ones whose shoulders were always there when i needed it, who listened to all my crap over and over again without tire, who slapped me around when i needed to be woken up from my atrocious wallowing, who sorted me out when I couldn't see reason...

This post is specially dedicated to an old friend of almost 10 years...to whom i'm her 'second onli fren':
I miss you Na... I wish you are just a stone throw away from me in Ang Mo Kio than Australia. *wail* I miss all the 'surely got meaning' talks, late night suppers, chats over cold lychees, talking about 'siang' people, pool sessions and more suppers. *sniff*

Dive Dayang 14-16th March

2008-03-24T12:49:00.001+08:00

Well, i'm lazy to upload the pics... so i'm directing you guys to the sites that my buddies uploaded the pics to. :P

1) http://good-times.webshots.com/album/562867621NvVOgy?start=0 (Contributed by Pauline)

2) http://ifpluto.blogspot.com/ (Contributed by Eve)

:P Enjoy!

Economic Models explained with cows (2008 Update)

2008-01-31T10:04:00.000+08:00

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

DHL
If they have two cows,
They sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, they hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

Slow Dance

2008-01-09T19:54:00.000+08:00

Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?

You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....
Thrown away.

Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Comic Pleasure

2007-11-23T15:33:00.001+08:00

Words

2007-11-20T01:58:00.000+08:00

Some words that struck me in an email...

"As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.

You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.

You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.

You'll fight with your best friend.

You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.

You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone
you love.

So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end, be afraid that it will never begin."

________________________________________________________________

Sometimes, such statements make you wanna run a little harder, hold on or out a little longer, squeeze out as much time as possible for spend time with as many loved ones as possible...

I'm such a person. I simply can't bear the thought of losing those important to me, of giving up the excitement of life.

I reckon i don't fear death much (unless it's dying in a painful or freaky way), it's more of the fear of the end of the things that I love which death brings.

There always seem to have so much to do, so many things i wanna try, so much unexplored in my life...and I guess, i'm not ready to lose all that... and maybe i'll never be ready to.

Moving on... As some of you know, i'm in the midst of moving house, and this means loads of clearing outs and packing. One of the more interesting things I had to pack was my box of letters and notes I've accumulated all these years.

I took them up one by one and read them. Laughed over the silly ones, winced over the childish ones (who never had those?), was saddened when I remembered some of the friends i've lost along the way, some i've never put in much effort to keep and smiled as some sweet memories trickled in.

There were also a few written letters that I've never had the chance to send out... be it that i've forgotten to (while looking for the address to send it on to!), was too proud, or just simply lost the opportunity or reason. I re-read those letters and they reminded me of who i was, my thoughts during those times, some rough times I've gone through, some people I've loved a great deal.

But life it is... you move on... you let go...and then you forget. But I'm thankful for those colours in my past and my life, they made me who i am today.

Just a short tribute to the 2 guys I've loved in my life (so far),

I guess I really did love Daniel (my first bf back when i was erm, 20?) at one point in my life according to all the memories detailed in the letters and a 'communication notebook' we shared. But as time faded all those feelings, it's good to know that at the end of it all... what's left behind was sweet.

And I guess I really did love Derrick (my 2nd bf whom I split up with 4 months ago) at another point in my life. I've had loads of fun with him, learnt much from him and had real crazy times with him, laughing too loud, acting like kids...etc. Sometimes, I forget most of that ever happened, sometimes I forget how much i used to love him. But I think that's alright... cos the after-taste was sweet too. The things he has given me and letters he has wrote will keep those memories for me.

Okies, last note on the box of letters...
The one person I've the most letters in my 'outbox' that I've never sent. Last count was 4 written but un-sent cards... and 1 unwritten one which i've bought almost 6 months ago!

And the person is.... *drum roll*... J. J for Jedimasterr. :) you know who you are.

Just wanna thank you for all the times you've been there for me. All the phases you've seen me go through, all the pep-talks, all the times you simply understood without me saying anything, all the 'catch-up' calls, the 'wanna hang out' calls, the 'just dropping in' cards that i've never really told you how much i appreciated... You've really been a gem.

I know that sometimes I get so caught up in my own life that I forget to tell you how much you do mean to me. But you're a friend that brings the meaning of friendship to a much higher level, and honestly, the word 'thanks' will never be enough... (So... if i were a millionaire, i'll give you some too! Just wait... that day'll come!)

Oops, i think i've over-written this time...I'm running late for an appointment...

Pen-ing off now.

I'm back...blogging again...

2007-10-23T00:56:00.000+08:00

Some of you must've missed me huh? At least only on the blog i guess coz i'm sure most of you still see me around quite abit in person this month.

I admit it has been quite a packed month this Oct and I haven't had much time to blog.

Well, some highlights...

1) Roy treated me a birthday lunch at Mezzanine... the most expensive meal i've ever eaten manz... came up to almost $1K? The meal was fantastic tho, could hardly walk with the heavy tummy after that...

2) Flowers received on my birthday... 4 bouquets in all. Ok, it's probably not much, but it's the most I've ever received ok? Aint they beautiful?

3) Birthday Celebration at Downtown East. Successful ballot for a free chalet from my company during that period so i asked some friends down for a small gathering...turned out, it wasn't that small after all... THANK YOU FOR COMING! I enjoyed every minute of it....
The first time someone baked me a cake! THANK YOU DAWN! The cake was fabulous too, one of the best I've ever eaten!

4) Dinner with my boss & a friend @ Dempsey's Margarita (She gave me a white Baby G! How cool is that?)

5) Birthday Dive @ Dayang (will update the pics later)

6) Trekking from MacRitchie to Bukit Timah with friends (will updated pics later too. :P)

7) Departmental team-building (pics later as well)

So well, it has been quite an eventful month actually... YAWN! Sorry for the last few activities that i didn't manage to upload the pics... sleepy now... and need to complete something else before i sleep... so till then... See ya!

Dive Dayang (21-23Sept 2007)

2007-09-27T03:04:00.000+08:00

Introducing the cast:

L-R Gordon, Andy, Hao Ting, Me, Kenny

L-R Andy, Gordon, Steen, Kenny, Kieren, Leslie

My instructor, John

Hao Ting + Poor lobster that's to be served for dinner

One of my favourite sea creatures -Porcupine fish

Rare Nudi-branch

Spanish Dancer

Dinner (Yeah, talk 'bout marine conservation!)

Morning kiss for Leslie

All in all, it was a fun trip, met new people, bumped into some familiar faces that i've dived with before... The people on this trip were pretty much jokers (tho they do that in hokkien, hence i caught very lil of what they were saying.)

The waters were good, the sea was calm (mostly), the company was fabulous, the food was abundant.

I guess i'll miss it if i were to ever give it up. Well, till the next dive... birthday trip to Dayang on 12-14Oct 2007! Can't wait!

Random Pics Part 2

2007-09-26T04:06:00.000+08:00

Remaining D&D Pics

With Melvin and wife Xiao Qian
Me & my boss, Paula
Val & me...
Kexin & I

Chilling-out

Cow-girl Pics

Old Regrets

2007-09-19T23:20:00.001+08:00

Oftentimes, we've always wished we'd spent more time with our loved ones... But we don't. And we only regret it when we've lost them forever, and we carry that regret within us and never really become whole again.

At least, that was what happened to me when I lost my 2 grandpas and my granny. One of my grandpas passed on when i was 7, and up till today, I still remembered the scenes at the crematorium. I clung on to my dad pretending to be asleep yet silently tearing coz at that age, I simply couldn't understand the concept of him never coming back.

My brother was howling and bawling that day at the crematorium. Later that day, when the adults were speaking to each other in the car (I was eavesdropping while pretending to be asleep), they commented on the difference between my brother and I. Simply put, the adults felt that I was too cruel even as a kid coz I'd rather sleep than to say goodbye.

Fast-forward that by about 13years... my maternal grand-dad passed on. And as I stood in front of his coffin, all the memories I had of him as a kid washed over me. The times he brought me out for walks, when he used whatever little he had to buy me toys, the times he carried me and rocked me on his lap no matter how old and heavy I already was (he still did that till i was 8)...

I was so utterly disgusted with myself then. At 7, I didn't treasure my grand-dad, and maybe i excused myself from that thinking i was too young to know. But at 20... why didn't I? Why did i only realize it when it was too late again?! I sped through the expressways shouting at the top of my lungs through my helmet that night but the frustration didn't go away... in the end, i simply parked my bike at a neighbourhood carpark and wept. (wah, super drama right? Felt extremely lonely then tho...)

No, I didn't go through a drastic change at that time. Neither did i start crying whenever i saw elderly folks pass by... :P (ok, bad joke). But when I see those elderly folks...sometimes, my heart hurts a lil coz I never did forgive myself totally for my irresponsibility and infidelity.

I am still not the best grand-daughter i can be, but with one remaining grandparent left, I try to visit much more regularly than in the past, maybe once or twice every month just for a simple dinner and sit with her while she watches her favourite TV programmes, chats with her about work and the going-ons with my life...etc.

Just simple things... things that I've always taken for granted. As i see her getting weaker and weaker as the months pass, I get more and more fearful that she'll leave one day. Have you ever wished you could give up a month of your life just so the person you love can have one more? What about a year? What about 5 years? I know I would, albeit impossible.

I know some of you question my action for D's grandparents... but frankly, it's not the glory or the nobility or even trying to get into D's 'good books'... I just feel that they deserve so much more... and seeing how little goodness they get at times is somewhat heart-wrenching.

Well, I'm already starting to feel depressed, so I shan't continue.

Moving on... some entertainment for you on visit to grannie's yesterday...

The cam ran outta batt just when we were finalizing our poses for the pic with my grams and 3 cousins in it... well...that simply means...there's a next time. :P

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

2007-09-16T17:43:00.000+08:00

in about a month's time, I'll be considered in the age band of 'mid-twenties'. :( I'm not looking forward to it at all.

As we grow older, there are more responsibilities added to our palate of life, more possibilities to consider, more burden to carry, more fakes smiles to display, more tears to hold in. More disappointment results when expectations of you rise or your expectations of others inflate....etc

And you realize that you simply don't have enough time to catch up with all your friends and family, or enough resources to render assistance to all those that needs help. That's when you have to prioritize... something I find extremely difficult to do.

There are some friends that I will like to spend time with, some people that i will like to help... but finding myself unable to do so simply coz it's not 'politically correct' for me to step in, or it's not 'socially acceptable'. And as an adult, I'm required to understand these boundaries and respect them.

I admit, I don't love all my friends equally and I categorize them in terms of importance in my life. And yes, there are a select few that I'll do more than for anyone else... on the reverse, there are also a few bottom feeders (only 2 of them so far) that I will never make an effort for, simply because they glorify in being weaklings, just so that they can feed on people's kindness... And i detest such types personally.

Side-tracking. I recently met up with a friend I've known since i was 11 (Pri 6). We had a short chat at TCC then walked along the Singapore River before perching ourselves on the bridge near Fullerton to enjoy the breeze and scenery.

In the duration of 14 years we've known each other, just like any friendship, we had our ups and downs. About 6 years ago, we hit a bad patch and from then, we dropped out of each others' lives. At that point in my young gullible life, this person had grown to mean much to me... and it hit me hard. In life, there are a very few points in life that you can describe as turning points... but the end of this friendship was one of them.

Fast-forwarding back to the present... We sat there in the silence, listening to the hum of the bum-boats passing below, the flashes of cameras snapping, the low murmurs of the crowds at the bars nearby...

We spoke about life -the frustrations of work, the choices in life we make, the environment around us, and some other personal matters...etc

I don't know if he understands my reasons for helping someone deemed as 'politically incorrect', but at that point of time...it felt as if he did. And strange enough, that mattered to me.

We joked and laughed about little scandals in life...just like we used to many years ago...but this time, the familiarity wasn't unsettling... it's erm, simply familiar.

As I was on my way home, I picked apart and analysed the meeting I've had with him. Although it was an impromptu meeting more out of convenience than intent, at the end of it all, it was a meaningful one to me.

The frustrations of work, the exhaustion of managing some undesirable emotions in my personal life, the lack of time of juggling work on my new place and friends and family...were all swimming in my mind when I met him.

Yet somehow, at the end of the evening, everything in me calmed down for that while...and I needed that.

Both of us changed much in these years, yet some things just doesn't change.
E.g. we still used the same perfumes we've used since oh so long ago...
He's still as resistance towards his long-time fan...etc.

To sum it all...We're both 'SAME-SAME, BUT DIFFERENT'

Gotta go now... dinner date calls!

Catching Up

2007-09-15T05:43:00.000+08:00

Time really flies doesn't it? In a blink of an eye, years pass... sometimes we lose track of time, at times we lose our way and sadly, we lose beautiful memories...

I met up with turtle, goat, nick and flower on Wed and it has been years since we all managed to meet up together.

The laughs, the conversations, the gossips, the walk down memory lane made it a special evening for me.

When i think back, I'm glad to have them in my life. These long-time friends have always been there for me, teaching me, guiding me, seeing me through ups and downs. And i thank You for that.

Some pics we took at our dinner place in Ghim Mo and our after-meal chill-out at Wild Oats, Bar on the Hill.

Retrolicious -Annual D&D 2007

2007-09-15T05:30:00.000+08:00

Random Pictures

2007-09-05T00:05:00.000+08:00

My camera memory card's finally full so i took it out to download them into my com today.

I think my goldfish memory is acting up again...coz if i didn't see the pics, i would've forgotten about those functions!

Not much going on in life now except work and going out, so i'll just post the pics...

Cupcake that a colleague baked for me... KAWAII!

Cake that a colleague bought for her leaving party...HUAT ar!

Eve's birthday BBQ

Guppy's lil birthday celebration...

Dog run with Na, Amos, Polo and Whiskey

Me in my beloved bike jacket and AerobladeII helmet... I miss my bike so much...*wail*

Goldfish Memory

2007-09-03T00:21:00.000+08:00

This week has been pretty fun actually, albeit tiring. Typical work day starts at 7am, ends at 7pm... go out till about 2am (on the average), do a lil work and miscellaneous things till about 4.30am and then wake up at 7am the next day again.

I took a memory test that J sent recently, and my score was atrociously low. An average person gets 89% of the test right... and i got a freaking erm, i think...25%?
I'm on the 3rd percentile of the whole sample... and they did suggest 'deficiencies' in the area if my score is on the 2nd percentile!! How much closer can i get?

I admit... i always forget faces, names and objects. :( Goldfish memory. But sometimes, it makes my life happier coz i forget bad memories pretty easily as well. Heh... Is that an excuse for forgetting birthdays too?

I made a video for D in anticipation of our 1st year anniversary...but we split before that day actually came so I never got to show it to him... As you can expect, I actually forgotten all about it until i chanced on it rather recently doing some house-keeping on my com! Sigh, i think i need to get my memory checked. I played the video through once more and was reminded of the great many things we had done and memories we had.

I realized that we've gone through a lot of barriers and experiences although it was relatively short a time. I wasn't sorry that we never made it through together, nor did I regret that decision i made... The video simply became the memories replaying and I've learnt to cherish them as an experience in the journey of life we all go through.

Am i sure that i've completely moved on? High probability though I can't be 100% sure. Some people just leave footprints in your life that you'll never forget, but that doesn't mean it's coz you haven't moved on. The ups and downs that you've gone through in the past, the experiences you've once had, the emotions you've felt before.... all contributes to the person you are now.

And D has indeed contributed much to who i am now. But i can safely say that i'm not jaded nor bitter... It's always a choice you make in life. I'm braver now, and stronger with every step i take. And perhaps, I have him to thank...with a pinch of salt i suppose.

Moving on... this is a little more difficult to say...and it's for you if you're reading it. You'll know who you are.

This may sound cliche...but it's not you, it's me. It's not that I haven't moved on from my past relationship, or that I'm still romantically in love with D. I will always love him in my own way, just like the people who were once important will always have a place in my heart.

Basically, I'm just not ready to start dating again. Not yet. I need some time on my own...to understand myself more. I need more time with my family and friends and my work. I think you will make good friends and i enjoy all those times with you. But at this time, I think you deserve someone more certain about life and about love. And I'm not that someone. Maybe one day i might...but not yet.

And if you feel that you can stick to just a friendship till then...we can still hang out.

Ok, nuff said. It's never good to say too much. I hope you've understood what i've just said...coz if you did, you'll know it's not a rejection you're dealing with. I need some time to go through the process of change... I really hope you understand me.

I hope I put the above-mentioned well enough. And if i didn't, I'll explain a lil more next time... But for now, that's my thoughts and if I've caused any hurt, I truly apologise. I'll see you when i see you. :)

Domesticated Me

2007-08-28T23:08:00.000+08:00

After 3 late nights out in a row on Thurs, Fri and Sat night... (my earliest day home was at 3.40am!) i fell asleep on my face till 2pm on Sunday...

And what did I do on a lazy Sunday afternoon? H-O-U-S-E-W-O-R-K!

What I did...
1) washed the dishes
2) the laundry
3) changed my sheets
4) packed my room
5) vacuumed the house
6) walked my dog
7) bathed my dog (that's considered housework too!)
8) did my grocery shopping

All that in a span of 4.5hrs! Applause please...

What i left out...
1) Iron my clothes
2) Wash and vacuum the car

And just for the heck of it,

1) I mismatched all my pillow cases and bed sheets and comforter...

2) I did a count on the number of clothes I have in my over-flowing wardrobe.
Pants: 26
Shirts: 34
Skirts: 6
Dresses: 5

Later that evening, I bought a 'break-out' room for my distressed shirts so that they won't get grumpy (and crumpled) in the over-populated space they had...but the wardrobe looks full still after i've emptied the shirts...ARGH! :(

My shirts' break-out room

I finished work relatively early today (at 8pm) so i thought i would start on my ironing... and... it took me 3hours to:
1) iron 8 shirts, 2 skirts and 5 pants
2) Sew on 3 loose buttons and buckles on 3 separate outfit.

So while eating my dinner at 11pm, I've made a resolution...
- No more shopping...the D&D dress that i have yet to source and buy doesn't count.

Being a housewife's really tough... :(

Back-tracking...here are some pics of my night out with Yvonne and friends.

Live to work, Work to Live?

2007-08-25T02:44:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if we live to work, or work to live?

I don't spend 18hrs at work everyday, but there are simply so many things that needs attention, so many people i want to spend time with, so many activities i want to engage in...that at the end of the day, i still don't have enough time for all...

Or most of the time... my mind has wondered off doing the next task before the current one is completed. So I've alot to learn about 'living in the moment'.

This week has been rather stretched as usual, but i seem to be able to survive on less sleep more and more each week. There have been certain changes in work, 1 of my colleagues was promoted to the regional office, while the other one has left the company. So 4 out of 5 of my dept's senior managment team have been promoted and left my department... and i miss them.

Due to my unique position in my department, they were the people I worked with the
most in the department and I'm truly blessed and honoured to be able to work closely with managers of such high calibre. They've taught me a lot and spurred me on many a times, supporting and advising me when necessary.

At times when I pass by their now-empty cubicles, I catch myself unconsciously glancing at their seats, half expecting them to shout a 'hi'. I do miss their presence. True, people come and go, be it in your work environment or your life. But nevertheless, i feel everyone is different and they leave a print in your life that can never be replaced.

I had to attend a training at the Regional Office on Thurs and met up with one of the managers who had been promoted there. She was the one I was most attached to and was exhilirated to see her again. Singapore may not be a big country, but on occasions like this, the distances in Singapore does seem rather wide.

She gave me a lift home and we spoke at length through the traffic jam, sharing her life experiences with me and teaching me what she has learnt...me giving her a gist of what has been going on at work..etc. I miss those conversations...and mostly, I missed her.

She has always struck everyone as a carefree, lucky, fun-loving person, but not many knew how much life has thrown at her. But she always emerges stronger, and from the bottom of my heart, I respect her for everything she is. And somehow wished that I can have some of her resilience. Yes, she mentioned it takes time, and it takes years to mold herself into what she is now... I know all that... yet i can't wait to break out of the walls closing in and breathe again...and emerge stronger.

As i was sorting out some folders on my computer, I found a personal project that i was working on in the last few months of my relationship with D. I felt that my efforts were rather wasted as that project was already 95% complete, but no one will be there to appreciate it. It took such a long time as I could only work on it late at night or on weekends when he's not around...all the time and effort down the drain.

I could've spent every minute of that precious time with my loved ones..that was how great the opportunity cost was. Perhaps in life, there's not much point in planning too much ahead...esp in matters that involve more than just yourself. High risk, low yield.

Hmm...yeah, my brain's shutting down...it's already 3am. But i had a great evening with some of my colleagues...and then at Flower's place with Turtle. I wasn't much of a company there tho coz i stretched out on the couch shortly and fell asleep for most of our night while they ended up entertaining themselves by playing cards! :( Sorry Flower...and Turtle.

Yeah, i should get some sleep... I'm starting to rant and rattle on.

I want to sleep without the dreams for once. It's always good to hope. :P

One full cycle...

2007-08-21T00:54:00.001+08:00

One full cycle has gone and the events are repeating themselves again... but without that someone by my side this time. It has been rather difficult gazing at the fireworks this year...

If things ended 4 months ago, or 4 months later, it might have been easier to deal with i reckon. The road ahead isn't dark at all, yet i'm fearful of what i've to face again tomorrow...the day after...the week after...

I'm afraid that the next step might be too hard, and i'm afraid that Dorothy can't go on anymore...and perhaps, it's that fear that keeps me going, it's the thought of giving up that keeps me moving. I just can't face myself if I let who i've built myself to be collapse and crumble.

Some think i'm prideful, some don't understand why image is still so important at a time like this... It's not coz i think my friends will look down on me or think less of me as a person... To put it simply, i wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I succumb to those raging emotions and be tempted to give up on myself coz that's a downhill route.

I'm not using work or the numerous activities I have to numb myself...sometimes, i hate all the things i have to do coz i'm always so exhausted at the end of the day. Yet, I guess those are the things that keep me moving, and the exhaustion eliminate all the wonderings in my mind.

I still love D through it all...though i know he's not worth it anymore. But I've been loved before by some, although i didn't deserve those affection... Love's a difficult thing to understand.

I've made mistakes, and I'll accept the price I've to pay for them... and I'm trying my best to deal with my emotions rationally... Elaine said this to me many years ago and it stuck with me -"When in doubt, do what's right."

True, there's a fine line between right and wrong, and it's always based on our perspective in things. Hating may be right for some, but wrong for others. Crying may be acceptable to some, yet unacceptable to others, being destructive may be kinder to some, but vicious to others... it all comes down to differing beliefs and perspective.

I finally shared some truths with A...and he was rather shocked to find out that i've been lying to him all along...but i was forgiven rather easily still. We had a long talk that night and somehow, my heart felt a lil lighter and the burden's a lil easier. I had never believed that talking things out could relieve situations, unless you are certain that that person can give you a solution. But that night changed my perspective, and I'm thankful for him.

A friend i had a long time ago said this to me..."I will be there to pull you up when you fall, and even give you a free dusting of your knees." This must've been said almost 9 years ago but it still touches me everytime i think of that.

That's what friends are for isn't it?

To all my buddies... thanks for your support. Thanks for letting me pretend i'm cool and tough although you all know better. You understand that I need this time alone and not coz i don't trust you. You know my weaknesses and my idiosyncracies.

I know you'll always be there for me when i need that shoulder to cry on, or be my ranting can... Maybe i'll need that comfort someday...but for now, i think i can still hold on a lil longer... Thanks for understanding me enough to let me be.

I know you are all close by, all ready for that moment I turn to ask for help. 'Thank you' doesn't seem to express what i feel. I am truly blessed to have you as my friends... Thank you...from the bottom of my heart.

I miss him so

2007-08-19T13:30:00.000+08:00

I miss the touch and feel of you...

I miss the way you relieve my frustration...

I miss your quiet companionship...

I miss the memories you brought to me...

I miss loving you the way i do...

I miss the journeys we've been together...

I miss how you pulled me through some bad times...

I miss going down break-neck speeds with you down the roads...

I miss the security you give me...

I miss you that outlet I've have in you when i need to escape...

I miss the times i've spent with you...

I'll be forever sorry that i gave you up, and the reason why i gave you up. I really did love you and i still do but no one really understands how much you meant to me.

Nobody will know how much I've fought to have you by my side, how much i've gone through to attain you... and how much it hurts to let you go.

And at a time like this, i miss you so much baby...i wish i can have you back at my side and have back the journeys i've had with you...

I'm a lil lost coz you were more a part of me than i imagined... and maybe that's one of the reasons why I don't feel complete anymore.

No one will be able to replace you.

Dive Redang (09Aug-11Aug07)

2007-08-19T05:21:00.000+08:00

Here are the pics at last!

Amos stacking our gear into the baggage compartment of the bus

Notice the faces before we set off...? Scroll down for the faces after the journey

My exhausted look after the journey and after answering Guppy's question, "Is this Redang?" for the 5th time...

And Chris' and Amos' tired looks

Macho Guys carrying gear for the gals!

Setting out for first dive, woo hoo!

Guppy and Dollah (Our DM for the dives)

Guys doing what they do best...chatting up gals...

Guppy -Now you see her...

Now you don't...

Artistic Pic of Chris inverted... 'Changing your perspective of the world'

Group Pic after dives

Me...the 'All Black' Diver

Sea Sick Guppy

Guys have 'chut chut' at night

Happy divers

Group Pic taken before 1st dive on 2nd day....look at my morning chao bin...hair still standing up...

Slacking and having coconuts in the cool beach breeze

Guppy and her swim dress

Leisure divers on this trip (less me)

One of my favourite fish... Yellow Boxfish (Apparently, only the male ones are bright yellow)

Another beach shot

Logging dives before boarding home-bound boat

Turtles all packed and ready to go...

Till we meet again...

Point of View

2007-08-17T00:44:00.000+08:00

"It's funny how one thing happens
And it changes your whole point of view
Everything that seemed to matter
Gets cast aside for a better truth"

Work has been rather hectic these few days and i admit, it has been rather draining.

Met A.L. for Rush Hour 3 and dinner earlier...the show wasn't that bad but it did fall short of my expectation. It wasn't as funny as I had hoped for it to be, or maybe laughing hasn't been my strong trait anyway.

We talked quite a bit tonight but other than relating facts, I'm unable to articulate what i feel...coz...coz...I'm clueless.

I can't figure myself out sometimes, and if i can't, i doubt anyone else can. I can't talk myself through it, or make a mind-map out of it coz simply, i don't where to start...and is it even advisable to start pondering? Well...too many voices in my head...so I just end up not doing anything.

What can I do to ease the tension raging within if i can't find its root?
Whine, cry, rant, destroy things or get drunk?
Or bury myself in work, take it out on someone, immerse myseif in activities, date again or surround myself with friends?

None of the above seemed like a good idea. I just don't think it's wise, and I'll pretty much succumb to that weakness if i tried any of the above.

Other suggestions: Turn cold, become cynical, stop caring, never trust people easily again....
It may work in getting your defenses up so no one can hurt you again...but you'll just be pretty much alone eventually...can't love, can't hate, can't feel...

I guess I'm old enough to stand up on my own, get through the rain again. I don't need to deliberately find distractions coz none of that will make me a better person. Might as well look at every hurt in the straight on till they break and fade.

But doing that wears me down a bit... seems like battling on who'll back down first. I don't have enough confidence to bet that I'll win... but I'm gonna try real hard.

I've tried my best to be decent to D. True, i do get pissed when he comes up with childish actions and ball-less stunts to push the hurts deeper into me. There are times when there's an urge to thrash back, and make him hurt as well.

But what does that make me? I'll be a worse person than he is. That'll cost me more than the satisfaction of destroying someone... Not that i'm not saying it's not an extremely tempting thought at times.

Why does it matter to me that he keeps misunderstanding matters, or keeps accusing me of certain wrongs? I do wish he finds the truth somehow, but why...why does it matter to me that he finds the truth? Why does it matter what he thinks of me?

I don't have the answers to all these questions.

I just want to be more sensible and handle everything better now compared to what i did in the past so that i can face myself better when i wake up everyday. Losing trust in others and ceasing to love just isn't the way.

Ever felt tired of being sensible and struggling to do things right? Ever felt the urge to break-down and just let someone else lick your wounds? Wished there was an easier way around? I do sometimes...

There's a saying that goes, 'Hurt people, hurt people' = Those who hurt others, are people who are hurt.

I admit I've some hurts lurking around inside...but i'll try my utmost best not to hurt another this time. At least I'm working on it...

Corrinne May Medley

2007-08-16T00:23:00.000+08:00

I know you've been through tough times.
Kicked around, thrown to the ground,
But you've always been the strong one.
So don't tell me that nobody gets you,
Coz i'm standing in your corner
Knocking at your door.
You don't have to be alone.

I'm not the easiest person to love
I'm often the one who lets things go unresolved
Yet you choose to be on the side of me, on the side of me....

So take my five loaves and two fishes
Do with it as you will
I surrender
Take my fears and my inhibitions
All my burdens, my ambitions
You can use it all,
I hope it's not too small

Losing myself, gaining it back again,
Forging strength in weakness, all that i am
All that i'm meant to be
Melting in Your hands...

It's funny how one thing happens
And it changes your whole point of view
Everything that seemed to matter
Gets cast aside for a better truth
....
With every step you're teaching me,
How to fall, cry, get up and smile...

I'm on my way, I'm on my way
There seems to be no end in sight,
But i know i'll be alright,
I'm on my way, i'm on my way
If I keep you in my sight,
I know i'll be alright...

Exhausted but Fulfilled

2007-08-14T01:43:00.001+08:00

Paula (my boss) returned from her 2 week vacation today finally! We lazed in her office and caught up on each other lives amidst the pile of work waiting between us on her table... Boy, did i miss her!

Yeah, after the fantastic 1 hour chat, we had to dive into various meetings the whole of today till 6.30pm...ending with long lists of things to follow up on again. SIGHZ!

Had lunch with Melvin in between those meetings and we shared about our trips over the weekends, about life...etc. He shared about his life experiences and gave advice...at the same time, providing a listening ear. He's a treasure really...a great colleague, and more importantly, a great friend. Thanks Mel! I'll ponder more on what you said to me...thanks for being there when i needed it most...Can't wait for him, Qian and baby to come over to SG for a weekend!

I met D's mom after work. Though i was mostly apprehensive about meeting up, and tried to cancel it throughout the day... her insistence worked and defeated in the end, i drove to her place for dinner.

As we ate, she shared her life experiences with me, gave me the encouragement that i needed and the truths i had to learn. Some parts of what she shared fueled the anger in me for D, but who am i to judge him? True, he does need to grow up but it's sad how he breaks her heart all the time. Yet, i admire her strength of character and her relentless pursuit of God's ways. She's brought more blessings to me than i can count and i'll always be thankful.

With her permission, I said my goodbyes to Polar, Cow Cow and the Stormfit jacket that i loved. And as we walked out of D's room, the door closed behind us both figuratively and literally. Finally, that chapter had its closure. With her presence behind me, somehow, I feel that i could bear more than i thought.

We journeyed out and scouted around for a television set for D's grandparents and had a great time weaving through the crowds at Mustafa...apparently, when you put 2 directional idiots together...they get to places like experts! *grin*

Went down to D's grandparents' place after that tho it was rather late in the night to break the news of D & me to them. I thought i could do it smoothly but when i faced them, I just didn't know how to start so his mom did it for me.

His grandma held my hand while her eyes welled up in tears. It was simply heart-wrenching. To think I inflicted that pain in her...and perhaps, i will never forget that look of despair in her eyes. At that point, i wished there was some way i could take some of that pain away but i could only silently hold on to her hand...helpless.

She walked over to grand-dad and gave him the news as well... and he looked at me startled and demanded why in his usual brusque way. Again, i had no answers for him and that silence seemed like eternity.

I ended up joking a little about his leg injuries, egging him on to get well asap so that he can walk along the streets with me to help look out for new guys for me and he laughed. I will miss his laughter as well, infrequent they may be. He doesn't normally look at the person he talks to, but for the split moment we caught each others' eyes...the disappointment in them almost broke me down.

I had my closure today. Some of what happened tonight will always stay with me. I'm angry at D for not realizing how much they love him... and deep within me, i think the loss of this great family hurts so much more than letting D go.

We took our leave while his grandma held on to my hands through the gate grills...and i wished i never had to pry away and let go... but i did. The feeling was almost unbearable. I treasure every tear grandma cried for my failed relationship with D...and they weigh so heavily in my heart.

As i drove D's mom back later, she hugged me...for the first time. I told her that this is my final goodbye though she refused to accept it. If i don't exit this part of her and D's grandparents' lives... they will never give D's new-find full acceptance and all their love. This new gal deserves as much of their love as i did. And she deserves a brand new clean slate. This is the only thing i can leave her...their acceptance and love.

I'm not being unselfish, i'm not being noble. I just feel that she's totally innocent in this whole mindless game, and she just shouldn't be subjected to any shards of our failed relationship. This isn't her burden to bear, it's mine alone.

Exhausting day coz i only managed to catch 2hrs sleep yesterday, but somehow, i feel full again. I have put down what i needed to put at rest.

The loss of the ones i've come to regard as family was the most difficult part. But i owe them the truth though I will miss them so.

I hope he grows up this time

2007-08-13T00:53:00.001+08:00

It's been a few fruitful days...with a real 'great' surprise at the end of today.

Sometimes, I feel the disappointments D threw my way have already hit THE all time low...but it's surprising how much lower he can get. Any lower, he'll probably end up 6 feet under...

I'm embarrassed to admit that i've trusted such a person, and in a way, it's my own daftness believing that he's a better person than he really is. For awhile, i wanted to inflict some physical pain on that person, within 3 secs of thinking that...it's really not worth bruising my knuckles over it.

All the empty promises of not being able to love again for a long time, never getting over his own hurdle ever again.... now to think back on it...how spineless can you get? Gosh...

I met up with G after the incident and we laughed alot over the things that may befall him. G even made me climb the monkey bars...at midnight...in the drizzle! Grr... but every bar i grasped, i thought about how much leeway i've given to D and wanted to hit myself for it (but i can't...coz i was hanging onto the bars for my dear life)!

Like G said, "What goes around, comes around." It's my stupidity for not seeing it any sooner.

D, I hope you grow up soon. Perhaps you'll finally learn to love someone other than yourself. Although, you know...at this age, it's rather pathetic that you can't stand being alone.

Oops, i seem spiteful huh? Sheesh...can't help it.

But...i really woke up today and the blinders fell after talking to G. D's such a loser sometimes...and to think he's already 25, going on 26! Well, i'm sure he can't get any worse than what he is now...so that's a bright spark in life isn't it?

Dreams attack!

2007-08-12T18:32:00.000+08:00

Haven't been sleeping well these days coz i keep having really really weird dreams...

I think guppy may be right...i'm going crazy!

But just a point of interest...i thought i'll share them so you know how crazy i really am. :P

Dream 1 (first night of redang dive trip)
Dreamt of this plump gal with an irritating face. I've no idea who she was except that she's my bro's friend. Came to my place, took my things and borrowed my Hsia's books... and dog-eared them. So Hsia was demanding that she pay for the damanges (in real life, Hsia doesn't) and i was trying to get that girl to pay up. She was rather nasty though, and tore up the remaining books to make her point... And well...i took her by the collar, slapped her a few times...................ok, i'm scary...

Well, anyway...the point was, i was so frustrated in the dream, i started thrashing around in bed (maybe i was starting to enjoy hitting her) and Chris who was next to me was the innocent victim. Hope he didn't get any bruises. :P

Dream 2 (Night of dive trip return, 11 Aug 07)
Dreamt that D has been lying about some things, and decided to meet him at some carpark at an abandoned army camp. He was 30mins late, and zoomed in in a new turquoise blue suzuki swift sport. Well...apparently, he wasn't very forthcoming with me during my interrogation till i whipped out my dive knife, pressed it to his throat, with my knees near his crotch area... then all the answers started pouring out. I was pretty cool in the dream...give him a punch to his jaw, walked to the car and drove away. But in that dream, my heart felt as if it broke into pieces...and i woke up crying...before i realized it was all a dream. Yet, all the answers he gave me in the dream fitted the loopholes perfectly.

Dream 3 (Aug 12, 11am)
I was talking to D in my kitchen in my Serangoon house... from the window, there was a flood (ok, doesn't make sense, but it was a dream ok?). We saw a polar bear trying to get into the window and it was pretty huge. So instinctively, i grabbed my fins and pulled D with me giving him a breakdown on how to get away from the bear (in my dream, i remembered that polar bears were rather vicious at times). But... well, after our attempt to escape, i was caught while D just succeeded in getting out of the window... and was dragged to dry land downstairs...(ok, stop laughing!)

And...the polar bear stood to full height and HUGGED ME! wahaha... he said he was devastated that i didn't remember him. He made his grandma polar bear take him all the way from where he was, rode onto the EAC (East Asia Current) just to look for me... He said he was feeling so down coz his gf just left him and he has been losing weight (he pointed to his flat tummy at this point) then give me a bear hug (pun intended)and started sobbing miserably. The weird thing is, i cried with him for awhile, cooed him, and even started singing a song to him to console him...!

AND...RING RING! my phone rang and i woke up... it was guppy on the line...

And since she was the first person i talked to right after the dream, i told her about it....

Now she thinks i'm going nuts and threatened to throw out all the polar bears in my room before i deteriorate any further. :P But she said she still loves me anyway...YIPPEE!

Ok, that's all on my narration of dreams...scary huh? Maybe i'm really going mad...but i've always been a lil mad anyway so no one really notices.

Trust Broken

2007-08-12T01:03:00.000+08:00

Some matters occured this evening while i was on the way back from Malaysia and I was surprised how fast anger and disappointment consumed me this time round and it really put a bad note on the end of my Redang dive trip (will update this trip's photos soon when guppy send them to me).

I haven't been so pissed with someone in a long while coz well, mostly, i'm the ROC (Relac One Corner) sort...or he so often puts it, "unfeeling".

Along the drive back from Golden Mile...while trying to calm myself down, I tried to see things in his perspective and realized that being kind has never been an innate nature of his. *grin* It was my bad for taking all his kind and loving acts (which certainly didn't come easy) for granted umpteen times, assuming that's normal human nature.

It was definitely easy to trust him to carry out his promises in the past, and I guess it was a rather painful blow to realize that I've lost some parts of my trust in him along the way unknowingly.

As I was just moving things around my room earlier, the picture of us that I have yet to take down from my shelf stared back at me. We looked so ridiculously happy then... and for a few moments, I was brought back to those memories, smiling back at the people in the picture...wishing to hold on just a little more. But yes, don't worry, I snapped back to reality. :P

I've always thought that it was more painful when someone loses their trust in me rather than me losing my trust in someone. But I'm wrong again. The grieve is just about the same.

I guess these are the little things that you learn everyday that makes you stronger. The pain that forces you to grow up. But sometimes, it's just a lil harder than usual.

Road Trip to JB!

2007-08-08T00:25:00.000+08:00

Drove into JB with Melvin, Kexin and Mona on last fri, 03 Aug and stayed over till Sat.

Melvin and Kai Qian (his wife) were a pair of unbeatable hosts...Firstly, both of them put tremendous effort into the planning prior to our visit, and they extended hospitality unmatched by any so far...bringing us to all the great places to makan and shop...giving up their personal space (coz we bunked in their huge room), sacrificing rest time (sleeping only 4hrs each)...

Oh ya...another reason why they slept so little was coz they helped me bring my car to get waxed, polished and groomed early on Sat morn while i was still snoring away like a donkey! Who won't be touched by their gesture?

A very very very big THANK YOU Mel & Qian! Too bad we didn't have enough time to play with Zheng Heng... we'll definitely do so next time (by waking up earlier!)

Some pics of the event...

Can you spot the 5 nuts in this pic? (Kexin, Me, the peanut in my hand and the 2 coconuts on the table

Yum...Cleavage!

Mona and Me...with coconuts again...

Na and some shellfish thingy...

Night Shopping @ Danga Bay (and yes, i admit i was tip-toeing...all in the name of aesthetic composition of the pic ok?

Such a beautiful couple right?

Day 2 -Breakfast...Kway Teow Kia (like Kway Chap but with kway tiao)

My newly washed, polished and waxed car!

Our last meal in JB for this trip...Ba Kut Teh, super yum! P.S. The straw mushrooms made me think of you...

I can't wait to go back manz...! Never had this much fun in JB! Haven't had so much fun in awhile liao...

After JB, i went straight for a BBQ with all the staff of scubahub...no pics but it was roaring fun.... afterwhich i went to a friend's place to watch a movie and had chats... it was probably about 6am before i crawled home to bed...*yawn*

Have been atrociously busy at work these days...and one of the highlights was going to the Mercedes Benz office and showroom to scout for an event venue with Celeste...and... the marketing manager showed us around and even let us into the exclusive lounge to touch the 1.5mil MayBach parked inside! Woot! The only downside was driving a Vios into a carpark full of Mercedes Benz... sighz.

Ok, i'm off to bed now! So exhausted these past few days coz of all the activities, work...etc. YAWN! Will blog more when i get back from my Redang trip end of this week.

Tata for now!

可惜不是你

2007-08-02T21:59:00.000+08:00

这一刻突然觉得好熟悉
像昨天今天同时在放映
我这句语气原来好像你
不就是我们爱过的证据

差一点骗了自己骗了你
爱与被爱不一定成正比
我知道被疼是一种运气
但我无法完全交出自己

努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏线
以为在你身边那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔

那一段我们曾心贴著心
我想我更有权力关心你
可能你已走进别人风景
多希望也有星光的投影

努力为你改变
却变不了预留的伏线
以为在你身边那也算永远
彷佛还是昨天
可是昨天已非常遥远
但闭上双眼我还看得见

可惜不是你陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能温暖我胸口

This is for you...Thank you D.

Blast from the Past

2007-08-01T23:34:00.001+08:00

Recently I found my external hard disk that i bought more than a year ago lying in dust... And I recalled i had bought it to back up all the data from my old notebook before selling it...

Out of curiousity, I took a look at the files i had...files that i have totally forgotten about...And found some pics of what used to be, and realized how much I have changed, how much people around me have changed....Enjoy.

Rock-Climbing 2004

Convocation 2005

Phuket 2005 with flower, goat and turtle

Work 2006

Diving 2006 when almost every trip had Evie and P in it

Aug 10, 2006 -I've found him...unexpectedly, unintentionally...
I still miss his kisses -No prizes for the correct guess of whose

Back to Diving again

That's all for now...I'm back in the open sea chasing my dolphins...

Thinking back, the last few years have been absolutely fabulous...I've learnt to open up to love and be loved and that's what everyone should learn in life.

True, at times it hurts when you've lost people you loved, be it friends or lovers. But I'm sure when i look back a year later, I'll be glad that I've experienced all these different taste of life, bitter, sweet, bittersweet...

Diaoz...thank you as well. I know it wasn't always just a dream.

PS Cafe -26 July 2007

2007-07-31T01:02:00.003+08:00

Met up with J and W finally! Had a great meals and even better laughs at PS Cafe...

And... we took some photos together alas after so many years of not having any...here they are...

2 lazy buggers who refuse to move our asses to take a pic together

Just a little more...and we might reach each other without moving our asses still

SLURP!

Candid shot... my 'WHAT THE?!?' face caught on cam

J's duck dish

W's pork dish

My Beef Borsch

Dessert...some mango and banana thingy...

OMG...Did i really eat that much?

J & W

W's 'up to something' look

Us again...

One last pic

Dive Tioman 20-22 July 2007

2007-07-30T00:12:00.000+08:00

As promised... here are the pics of my last diving trip!

Instructors and Divemasters

Newly certified OPWD (I'm so so proud of them!)
Simon...my big kor
Specially dedicated to na and P
Turtle with free-riders
Just me
Divers having a great time...
Instructor John and Dot

I Can't Smile Without You

2007-07-24T21:46:00.000+08:00

You know I Can't Smile Without You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh
and I can't sing,
I'm findin' it hard to do anything.

You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If You only knew what I'm go ing through,
I just Can't Smile Without You.

You came along just like a song
and brightened my day,
Who'd've believe that you were part of a dream
Now it all seems light years away.

And now you know I Can't Smile WIthout You,
I Can't Smile Without You,
I can't laugh and I can't sing,
I'm finding it hard to do anything.

You see, I feel sad when you're sad,
I feel glad when you're glad,
If you only knew what I"m going through,
I just can't smile.

Now some people say happiness takes so very long to find.
Well I'm finding it hard leaving your love behind me.

I've stopped smiling for awhile...

Walking on

2007-07-24T02:02:00.000+08:00

It's been a few hectic days for me and i thoroughly enjoyed myself during this period.

Work has been looking a little dreary...but that's why it's called 'work'! The long and multiple meetings are starting to get to me... :(

Met up with the buyer of my bike to finish our negotiation on the deal earlier tonight...so that part is almost closed alas...

Then dropped by a supermarket to buy some groceries for a loved one before sending them up to his place. Had a little chat with his mom and left before D came back...

After which I went to Raffles Place to pick my highly esteemed lawyer friend up. :P He's such a nice guy really... got me out of quite a fix.

But the great thing was that we talked on the way back and after that, we continued our chat as we walked along the pool of his condo. It was a memorable night and perhaps, this was the best conversation I've had with anyone in awhile.

Both of us had our ups and downs and we talked about it, laughed about it and pondered much on it... and sometimes we realize that nobody gets it easy in life. Perhaps that's life... but i do wish sometimes that my friends can have it easier...coz it'll definitely make my life happier.

I'm an extremely selfish individual, and i think D can vouch for that. Yet, I wished i can do more, just so that people around me are a little happier, a little more carefree, a little more contented. And it's frustrating to know that i don't have enough resources to share around just so they can be all that they can be, and have all that they dream of.

Just my thoughts...and thoughts they will remain.

Will update on my recent dive trip soon...

Past vs Present: 0 - 1

2007-07-19T19:38:00.000+08:00

My past caught up with me these few weeks... I've met people I've loved before, I've met people I haven't spent time with in a long while, I've done things i've always wanted to do but never had time to within a short span of a few weeks.

We reminisced about the happy memories, talked about our petty squabbles, questioned life, shopped with much vigor, drove through long roads blasting the music...etc.

Yeah, i definitely missed the past. I have always did.

At a point in my life, I missed them so much that I would've given up everything I have got just to dwell in the 'what was.' I didn't dare commit much to the future coz there was always a nagging fear that I would gladly go back to the past if it ever came back.

But... when all the things in my past flooded back into my life in these weeks... I realized... that i didn't miss it as much as i thought i did. Anti-climax! Wahahaha...

I had missed those people terribly once... But only when they came back into my life, did i realize... in my heart, I've already let them go a long time ago.

And knowing that, I finally had a break-through. There's nothing left in the past that I can't let go of anymore. I'm walking on coz i know whatever i want isn't behind me... but ahead.

simply logic? But it took me a long time to realize...and a great loss before i could see it.

Well, i'm going diving tomorrow! There's some apprehension coz I suddenly seem to have an unknown fear of the whole diving experience. Unexplainable since I've always loved it. Somehow, with THAT loss, I seem to have become a rather incomplete individual, having insecurities and fears I had never thought i would have.

*grin* But...i'm gonna go face that fear straight on and 'test the waters' again... who knows what other treasure i'll find when i'm there. :P

Random Thoughts

2007-07-18T04:58:00.000+08:00

The way he swaggers when he walks...

His goofy grin...

When he voluntarily takes my detested bitter durian seeds...

The time he almost suffocated me to death when i oinked at him...

When the world stabilizes for the moment as he holds me...

The conversations we have with Polar and Cow Cow (aka Moo Moo)...

The quirky arguments we have about what Cow Cow should be named...

His tourist behaviour...

The way he smiles at me...

The smell of his cologne...

His insecurities...

His possessiveness...

His obsession with his SLR...

His extraordinary warmth (Body temperature)...

How he strokes my hair while i sleep...

His cheesy antics (Yes, i actually miss that!)

The thoughts he puts into his gifts to me...

The meticulous way he does his laundry (and mine. :P)

His lame jokes...

The light in his eyes when he beams with happiness...

His regular eating habits (Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner are all regularly timed)...

How his hair looks when he gets out of bed...

The sound of his breathing when he sleeps...

When he calls me 'Baby'... (Yes again, i got used to it actually)

The way he wipes the tears off my face...

His silly antics....

When he sings along to songs in the musicals though he doesn't know the lyrics...

How happy he makes me feel...

How he completes me...

I wonder why i gave him up sometimes. But i know it's right...Yet...

我等你

2007-07-17T23:18:00.000+08:00

不做考慮也沒半點猶豫
我就說了這一句我等你
你眼中閃過了一些訝異
更多的是懷疑所以你可以離去

不相信你還會回心轉意
是我任性才決定要等你
我眼中的淚沒掉過一滴
只是隨你背影慢慢倒流進心裡（心底）

我等你一年為期
逾期就狠狠把你忘記
不只傷心的還包括一切甜蜜
（你應該已經和她公開在一起）

要等你要證明自己
我可以縱容你在心底
也可以當你只是路過的人而已

愛到痛至極才需要一段等你的限期
來遺忘自己

Hanging in there...

2007-07-16T23:36:00.000+08:00

The frustration is building up, but I can still contain it.

The grief is certainly raw, but I can bury it.

The smiles are gone, but I can fake it.

The hurt is growing, but i can still stand it.

The tears threaten, I can still fight them.

This time, he's gone, and i almost couldn't bear it.

Dreams are enough for me

2007-07-14T02:13:00.000+08:00

In the morning light
Half awake and half asleep
Have you ever laid there thinking
Was it all a dream?
But you reach out and she's there
Every moment, everywhere
Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever felt
How far a heart can fall
Have you ever stayed up waiting
For a telephone call
Just to hear her say hello
Cause you miss each other so
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe her
cause you'd die a little if she lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still she leaves you wondering
What it's all about

And when she's far away
Have you ever felt the need to stray
And tried and then discovered
It just doesn't pay
Cause with her, you can be true
And with her, you can be you
Have you ever been in love?

Have there been times to laugh
And times you really want to cry
Finding reasons to believe her
Cause you'd die a little if she lied
And when in times of doubt
Have you ever tried to work it out
But still she leaves you wondering
What its all about

And when the night comes down
Can you call your house a home
Do you dream you're still together
And wake up alone
Have you ever been in love
The way that I'm in love
Have you ever been in love?
Have you ever been in love?

Yes I have.

I haven’t heard this song in a while, and this has never been a favourite at any one time in my life. But as I was getting out of my car tonight, it started playing. And I was suddenly drawn to it, and stayed in the car to listen it through.

There’ve been so many going-ons in the last 2 months and I simply don’t know how to pen it down. But here's the summary...

I left someone I loved recently as we were heading in different directions in life and there was no way we could reconcile our goals. Some feel it’s harsh of me, some feel relieved, some feel pity, some were disappointed. It would have been easier for everyone if I had stayed. I would’ve been comfortable, really. But i knew i had to let go sooner or later, and sooner could've been less painful. Maybe I am wrong, that, i will never know.

At the end of it all, i still miss him sorely. Only I need to know that. Yet, sometimes, I've an urge to run into his arms to seek shelter from all the rumbles in my life. I miss him so...

Moving on...recently I met up someone after a long time. As we were talking, emotions that I haven’t truly deeply felt in a very long time started trickling in… it’s too wide a spectrum to name so I shan’t try.

I felt a little part of me flicker alive...for that fleeting moment.

Don't be mistaken, the emotions didn't surface because i still had feelings for this person. They're due to a wave of familiarity that hit me then as if my past flashed before me as we were talking.

I guess part of me missed the life I used to lead, the people i used to hold so dear, the excitement about life i used to have, loving others without reservations...etc, and with this fleeting feelings of familiarity, i felt alive for a brief moment under the dark sky. It was exhilarating, yet immensely saddening as well.

I’ve loved this friend before, ‘for the man he wants to be and for the man he almost is’. Although those feelings were lost along the way in many harsh words and cold denials, he’ll always be one of the few I'll hold close to my heart.

And as I was listening to his dreams, his frustrations, his loneliness and seeing how much of himself he’s still willing to give up for others, I debated if he was still the same person I had known. He has definitely changed...yet there was something strangely familiar...and it unsettled me coz i couldn't put a finger onto what it was.

In the morning light , half awake and half asleep
Have you ever laid there thinking, Was it all a dream?

Yes it was probably as fleeting as a dream, but it's enough for me.

Birthday Pics

2006-10-13T02:21:00.000+08:00

MIA

2006-09-22T12:32:00.000+08:00

woah, seems like i went missing...AGAIN...

Darn, everytime i seem as if i'm summarizing my month in every update i make.

I can't say things have been hectic, neither can i state that i'm simply cruising along... What have i been busy with?

1) Moving house
2) Looking for and finding a job (and now working)
3) Finding a place to move into temporarily
4) Doing housework (which is mostly just laundry) heh...
5) Diving
6) Spending time with derrick

Whew, i'm not complaing about how much time a relationship takes up coz it's really not that much time. Anyway, i don't have much to offer after taking time off for work, family and personal time....

But yeah, I'm with him almost everyday, so much so that i'm getting used to it. Haven't had any huge arguments yet, and i hope we still hold up... Perhaps no one can anticipate what comes out of a 2 person affair fully, yet it feels strangely uncomfortable not to be able to pre-empt 80% (such a high percentage!) of what will happen.

OH! i got myself a regulator! derrick wasn't too happy about this expenditure, but i still can't help it. Character flaw (P, sounds familiar?) The smell of it, the first breath i took from it, the memories of touching it....such enticement... :P

okiez, gotta go get housework done now... Have never hang clothes on bamboo poles and hang them out of the flat before, it's not as easy as it seems man. Makes me love my mommy more...boo hoo, i miss staying with my family...

A Night to Remember

2006-08-13T08:33:00.000+08:00

Beautiful isn't it?The sight makes the 2hr drive (from Serangoon to the field in front of the Supreme Courts) through the jam almost worth it. Well, perhaps coz i'm not the one behind the wheel... :P

Taken during the wait for the fireworks to start...
Next stop: Pick Yvonne & Jeremy and proceed to Johor Bahru for supper!
Yum...managed to find out way there w/o a map, and get back to the customs... Other than the jam... we were the lucky few that were selected for a full check! ARGHH! Us girls were checked by the lady inspector, while the guys were well, felt up by the guy one. We would give almost anything to switch our inspector with theirs, coz he's so cute! (This time, all of us 3 gals agree on that...) The sweetest thing is, he found a COCKROACH in the car, and with his bare hands, caught it, and threw it out for us! AAWWWW...who can beat that?

Anywayz, my heart was extremely warmed by certain things that 'Diaoz' did. And warmer coz he did it on auto-pilot. Thank you.

K, I am sorry that things turned out this way... You deserve much much better...so much better.

Diving @ Dayang

2006-08-12T12:24:00.000+08:00

And I have felt

A presence that disturbs me with the joy

Of elevated thoughts; a sense sublime

Of something far more deeply interfused,

Whose dwelling is the light of setting suns,

And the round ocean and the living air,

And the blue sky, and in the mind of man;

A motion and a spirit, that impels

All thinking things, all objects of all thought

And rolls through all things.

William Wordsworth

Pulau Dayang 4-6Aug 2006

L-R: Chris, Derrick, Me & Eve Frollicking on the beach

Introducing the Openwater Divers
L-R: Jasons, Daniel (My bro!), Chris

Durian Galore...just can't get enough of it

Out to Dive!

The New Fad Colour...Baywatch Red is ousted

The Yu Divers

Advanced Openwater Diver Course Graduates

G-cup inplants

Shy Porcupine Fish...My current favourite sea creature...Kawaii!

Just can't get enough of this sunshine gal

hey Na, this is for you again! consider not hanging your fins ya?

the ones that left us behind to go tioman instead... :(

After a statisfying dinner...burp!

Till next dive...

Leisure Dive -Tioman

2006-08-10T17:56:00.000+08:00

Diving @ Tioman 21 - 23 July 2006
The group: Pauline, Eve, Kieren & Me (DiveMaster in orange: Meng)

Nudibranch

Agent P & Agent K

A 'Must Have' Standard pic for every trip

Group Pic taken by Agent K

The BIG winner of our gambling session

Group Pic

This is where I found you...

I am lost

2006-07-25T11:39:00.000+08:00

Chances are you are scared of fictions.

Chances are you are only fleetingly happy.

Chances are you know much less than you think you do.

Chances are you feel a little guilty.

Chances are you want people to lie to you.

Perhaps the answer lies on the side of a coffee cup.

You are lost.

Author: David Cross

Catching Up

2006-06-15T04:47:00.000+08:00

Sorry guyz, so many things happened in this short span of 20 days so i haven't had time to blog. Anyway, just to summarize what happened:

1) I've decided to transfer to my parent company as an administrative coordinator. It's bloody fun working there...the only regret is that i haven't met up with most of you guys this whole month.

Didn't go for the interview for Senior Officers in the end...sometimes, dreams do die i guess...but this time, i'm giving it up willingly. So it's more of a chapter closed, than an opportunity gone by...

2) I'm currently undergoing my DM training... the photos from the last trip to Dayang (2-4 June 2006) are below...

3) Had a hair cut, slight perm, a new pair of specs, change my motorola pebl to a nokia-something (dunno what's the model no.)

4) Contracted stomach flu on Mon and lost 3.5kg in the last 3 days. WOOT! No need to get on with the plan on exercising anymore! Excuses... but man, it was hell!

My director was around the last 2 weeks, so everyone was totally overworked. The earliest i've gotten home during that period was....2am! (that was the day he shooed me out of the office). But he's a damn sweet, funny and serious guy... never had a boss like him manz. And no, i do not have a crush on him for goodness sake!

Finally got my own office with a nice view of Wheelock place, but there are 3 golden turtles stacked up on one another guarding my back (some office fengshui matter), so not much privacy with 6 eyes staring at me. :( it feels weird...

YAWN! it's already 5am! I don't know if i should just head to the office or catch some rest... not tired enough to sleep, but not awake enough to last the whole day. Dilemma... and i'm HUNGRY!

ar well, i'll go figure that out while you guys enjoy the pics...

The Men

Not at our best in the morning...

Openwater Divers' (L: Alex, R: Jason)Graduation Drinks

Advanced Openwater Divers' (L: Adrian, R: Ben) Graduation Drink

Our very own La(4) Mei(4)

Accompanied by our Shuai(4) Ge(1)

Parting Photo...till the next trip!

Devil's

2006-05-22T19:16:00.000+08:00

YAWN! The friends from my last diving trip sure isn't giving me any rest. As of Sat...i've met at least one of them for 8 days in a row! Talk about a break from diving.

Went Devil's with them on Fri night (+Yvonne & Jeremy)...these guys can really party manz. I was already bonked out by 3am, so went back up to my office (which happens to be 5mins away) to just slack and get some work done. Ended up being dragged back by Triggerfish to Devil's till 5am. SIGHZ!

And on Sat, i went back to attend a lesson conducted for Openwater Divers (Effectively sleeping through half of the 6hr class) and tried doing the openwater exam again. My results? Scraped a pass with 75%... Haha... And i'm already taking a divemaster course! Damn.

I'm still at work...doing nothing actually... just fiddling around with my 'things-to-do' and chatting online. SLACKER! Hmm...brought my divemaster manual to study...so i'll just get onto it!

Disorientation

2006-05-18T20:49:00.000+08:00

These 2 weeks feel like 2 months. I can't explain why, and i can't justify the feeling.

Seems like so much happened in such a short time. But when i think back, again, i can't account for the 'much'.

I'm the only one left in the office...blasting my music with the lights off. It's rather shiok although it may sound a lil melacholic.

During this period of time, I feel like i'm in a daze...I don't know what i want, where to go, what to do...

with regards to work:
1) Another dept from my old organization asked me to go back to join them, offering a significant increase in pay. (it's a job i asked to be transferred to before when i was still in FEO)

2) Singapore Police Force sent me a letter to turn up for an interview again.
(the job i've been longing for since i was a kid)

3) My current boss is treating me real nice.

4) Another boss in my parent company wants me to transfer over to be her PA.

ARGH... i'm lost!

Recreation:
1) to proceed on and upgrade my bike licence.

2) to take on the divemaster course.

3) to buy new equipment.

4) to settle back into leisure diving.

Personal:
...ok, nothing going on personally. But sometimes...i kinda miss G. Still meet up rather often...and he still accompanies me to buy shoes and clothes... But...it's just different. okay...overshare...moving on...

I admit, I've neglected quite a few of my friends. Haven't seen J, Wenz & Sham for the longest time. But they all work and stay so far! (coz Sham's always in boonlay now!) 1 in Sbwang, 1 in Simei, 1 in Boon Lay... And no one's gonna budge from their comfort zone. Damn...

I'd better start on the work i've stayed back to do...ciao!

Vertigo

2006-05-18T00:44:00.000+08:00

Vertigo -the unpleasant experience of losing your orientation when ascending or descending so you can't tell whether you are going up or down.

That's one word that sums up my dive experience in this trip.

Went for my rescue diver course over the recent Vesak Day long weekend (11-14th May 2006) and did my rescue diver course at the same time. Well, my usual arrogance assured myself that I'll breeze through the course...only to have myself crash onto my big fat butt.

Performed badly in all my drills (and that's even after my instructors lowered the standard!) and hardly got much sleep over those few days...and to make things worse...i kept having nightmares about 'hornet 125' over the whole weekend...(i've no idea why too!)

This was the worst dive trip i've been on. I almost wanted to give up on the course, and do something i'm comfy with -just dive.

Conversation btwn my Angel & Devil:-

Angel: "You'll never forgive yourself if you give up. Haven't you always detest quitters?"

Devil: "Might as well end the agony and leave it behind...at least you get to enjoy the last dives..."

Ar well, so all in all, the course wasn't the stressful part...it was the whole load of bickering btwn my angel and devil.

Anyway, it doesn't matter if i pass or fail anymore. I sure learnt lots on diving, and about myself in a way...so i can't say this was a wasted trip...

Okiez, back to the trip itself... here are the pics!

Shark that boatman caught

Smiley DM: Vincent aka Bobo & Chao Bin Instructor: James
Before
After
Sleeping beauty
P & Na, this is for you!

Highfin Moray Eel Stonefish...can you spot it?
Puffer
Nudibranch

That's all folks....

Foreword

2006-05-16T21:01:00.000+08:00

:) Glad you found me...

Just to answer all your questions...

1) Yes, i deleted my previous blog...and yes again, all my previous entries included.

2) No real good reason. Just wanted to delete some parts of the history, so it doesn't have to be open only to my buddies...(yes, i know... my long yellow sheet will still stay in your memories, so no difference if i delete the evidence in the blog anyway.)