the world through my rose-tinted glasses...my world...

Exhausted but Fulfilled

Paula (my boss) returned from her 2 week vacation today finally! We lazed in her office and caught up on each other lives amidst the pile of work waiting between us on her table... Boy, did i miss her!

Yeah, after the fantastic 1 hour chat, we had to dive into various meetings the whole of today till 6.30pm...ending with long lists of things to follow up on again. SIGHZ!

Had lunch with Melvin in between those meetings and we shared about our trips over the weekends, about life...etc. He shared about his life experiences and gave advice...at the same time, providing a listening ear. He's a treasure really...a great colleague, and more importantly, a great friend. Thanks Mel! I'll ponder more on what you said to me...thanks for being there when i needed it most...Can't wait for him, Qian and baby to come over to SG for a weekend!

I met D's mom after work. Though i was mostly apprehensive about meeting up, and tried to cancel it throughout the day... her insistence worked and defeated in the end, i drove to her place for dinner.

As we ate, she shared her life experiences with me, gave me the encouragement that i needed and the truths i had to learn. Some parts of what she shared fueled the anger in me for D, but who am i to judge him? True, he does need to grow up but it's sad how he breaks her heart all the time. Yet, i admire her strength of character and her relentless pursuit of God's ways. She's brought more blessings to me than i can count and i'll always be thankful.

With her permission, I said my goodbyes to Polar, Cow Cow and the Stormfit jacket that i loved. And as we walked out of D's room, the door closed behind us both figuratively and literally. Finally, that chapter had its closure. With her presence behind me, somehow, I feel that i could bear more than i thought.

We journeyed out and scouted around for a television set for D's grandparents and had a great time weaving through the crowds at Mustafa...apparently, when you put 2 directional idiots together...they get to places like experts! *grin*

Went down to D's grandparents' place after that tho it was rather late in the night to break the news of D & me to them. I thought i could do it smoothly but when i faced them, I just didn't know how to start so his mom did it for me.

His grandma held my hand while her eyes welled up in tears. It was simply heart-wrenching. To think I inflicted that pain in her...and perhaps, i will never forget that look of despair in her eyes. At that point, i wished there was some way i could take some of that pain away but i could only silently hold on to her hand...helpless.

She walked over to grand-dad and gave him the news as well... and he looked at me startled and demanded why in his usual brusque way. Again, i had no answers for him and that silence seemed like eternity.

I ended up joking a little about his leg injuries, egging him on to get well asap so that he can walk along the streets with me to help look out for new guys for me and he laughed. I will miss his laughter as well, infrequent they may be. He doesn't normally look at the person he talks to, but for the split moment we caught each others' eyes...the disappointment in them almost broke me down.

I had my closure today. Some of what happened tonight will always stay with me. I'm angry at D for not realizing how much they love him... and deep within me, i think the loss of this great family hurts so much more than letting D go.

We took our leave while his grandma held on to my hands through the gate grills...and i wished i never had to pry away and let go... but i did. The feeling was almost unbearable. I treasure every tear grandma cried for my failed relationship with D...and they weigh so heavily in my heart.

As i drove D's mom back later, she hugged me...for the first time. I told her that this is my final goodbye though she refused to accept it. If i don't exit this part of her and D's grandparents' lives... they will never give D's new-find full acceptance and all their love. This new gal deserves as much of their love as i did. And she deserves a brand new clean slate. This is the only thing i can leave her...their acceptance and love.

I'm not being unselfish, i'm not being noble. I just feel that she's totally innocent in this whole mindless game, and she just shouldn't be subjected to any shards of our failed relationship. This isn't her burden to bear, it's mine alone.

Exhausting day coz i only managed to catch 2hrs sleep yesterday, but somehow, i feel full again. I have put down what i needed to put at rest.

The loss of the ones i've come to regard as family was the most difficult part. But i owe them the truth though I will miss them so.

posted by dorothy @ 1:43 AM