Dive Dayang (21-23Sept 2007)
Introducing the cast:
L-R Gordon, Andy, Hao Ting, Me, Kenny
L-R Andy, Gordon, Steen, Kenny, Kieren, Leslie
My instructor, John
Hao Ting + Poor lobster that's to be served for dinner
One of my favourite sea creatures -Porcupine fish
Rare Nudi-branch
Spanish Dancer
Dinner (Yeah, talk 'bout marine conservation!)
Morning kiss for Leslie
All in all, it was a fun trip, met new people, bumped into some familiar faces that i've dived with before... The people on this trip were pretty much jokers (tho they do that in hokkien, hence i caught very lil of what they were saying.)
The waters were good, the sea was calm (mostly), the company was fabulous, the food was abundant.
I guess i'll miss it if i were to ever give it up. Well, till the next dive... birthday trip to Dayang on 12-14Oct 2007! Can't wait!
Random Pics Part 2
Remaining D&D PicsWith Melvin and wife Xiao Qian
Me & my boss, Paula
Val & me...
Kexin & I
Chilling-out
Cow-girl Pics
Old Regrets
Oftentimes, we've always wished we'd spent more time with our loved ones... But we don't. And we only regret it when we've lost them forever, and we carry that regret within us and never really become whole again.
At least, that was what happened to me when I lost my 2 grandpas and my granny. One of my grandpas passed on when i was 7, and up till today, I still remembered the scenes at the crematorium. I clung on to my dad pretending to be asleep yet silently tearing coz at that age, I simply couldn't understand the concept of him never coming back.
My brother was howling and bawling that day at the crematorium. Later that day, when the adults were speaking to each other in the car (I was eavesdropping while pretending to be asleep), they commented on the difference between my brother and I. Simply put, the adults felt that I was too cruel even as a kid coz I'd rather sleep than to say goodbye.
Fast-forward that by about 13years... my maternal grand-dad passed on. And as I stood in front of his coffin, all the memories I had of him as a kid washed over me. The times he brought me out for walks, when he used whatever little he had to buy me toys, the times he carried me and rocked me on his lap no matter how old and heavy I already was (he still did that till i was 8)...
I was so utterly disgusted with myself then. At 7, I didn't treasure my grand-dad, and maybe i excused myself from that thinking i was too young to know. But at 20... why didn't I? Why did i only realize it when it was too late again?! I sped through the expressways shouting at the top of my lungs through my helmet that night but the frustration didn't go away... in the end, i simply parked my bike at a neighbourhood carpark and wept. (wah, super drama right? Felt extremely lonely then tho...)
No, I didn't go through a drastic change at that time. Neither did i start crying whenever i saw elderly folks pass by... :P (ok, bad joke). But when I see those elderly folks...sometimes, my heart hurts a lil coz I never did forgive myself totally for my irresponsibility and infidelity.
I am still not the best grand-daughter i can be, but with one remaining grandparent left, I try to visit much more regularly than in the past, maybe once or twice every month just for a simple dinner and sit with her while she watches her favourite TV programmes, chats with her about work and the going-ons with my life...etc.
Just simple things... things that I've always taken for granted. As i see her getting weaker and weaker as the months pass, I get more and more fearful that she'll leave one day. Have you ever wished you could give up a month of your life just so the person you love can have one more? What about a year? What about 5 years? I know I would, albeit impossible.
I know some of you question my action for D's grandparents... but frankly, it's not the glory or the nobility or even trying to get into D's 'good books'... I just feel that they deserve so much more... and seeing how little goodness they get at times is somewhat heart-wrenching.
Well, I'm already starting to feel depressed, so I shan't continue.
Moving on... some entertainment for you on visit to grannie's yesterday...
The cam ran outta batt just when we were finalizing our poses for the pic with my grams and 3 cousins in it... well...that simply means...there's a next time. :P
Bridge Over Troubled Waters
in about a month's time, I'll be considered in the age band of 'mid-twenties'. :( I'm not looking forward to it at all.
As we grow older, there are more responsibilities added to our palate of life, more possibilities to consider, more burden to carry, more fakes smiles to display, more tears to hold in. More disappointment results when expectations of you rise or your expectations of others inflate....etc
And you realize that you simply don't have enough time to catch up with all your friends and family, or enough resources to render assistance to all those that needs help. That's when you have to prioritize... something I find extremely difficult to do.
There are some friends that I will like to spend time with, some people that i will like to help... but finding myself unable to do so simply coz it's not 'politically correct' for me to step in, or it's not 'socially acceptable'. And as an adult, I'm required to understand these boundaries and respect them.
I admit, I don't love all my friends equally and I categorize them in terms of importance in my life. And yes, there are a select few that I'll do more than for anyone else... on the reverse, there are also a few bottom feeders (only 2 of them so far) that I will never make an effort for, simply because they glorify in being weaklings, just so that they can feed on people's kindness... And i detest such types personally.
Side-tracking. I recently met up with a friend I've known since i was 11 (Pri 6). We had a short chat at TCC then walked along the Singapore River before perching ourselves on the bridge near Fullerton to enjoy the breeze and scenery.
In the duration of 14 years we've known each other, just like any friendship, we had our ups and downs. About 6 years ago, we hit a bad patch and from then, we dropped out of each others' lives. At that point in my young gullible life, this person had grown to mean much to me... and it hit me hard. In life, there are a very few points in life that you can describe as turning points... but the end of this friendship was one of them.
Fast-forwarding back to the present... We sat there in the silence, listening to the hum of the bum-boats passing below, the flashes of cameras snapping, the low murmurs of the crowds at the bars nearby...
We spoke about life -the frustrations of work, the choices in life we make, the environment around us, and some other personal matters...etc
I don't know if he understands my reasons for helping someone deemed as 'politically incorrect', but at that point of time...it felt as if he did. And strange enough, that mattered to me.
We joked and laughed about little scandals in life...just like we used to many years ago...but this time, the familiarity wasn't unsettling... it's erm, simply familiar.
As I was on my way home, I picked apart and analysed the meeting I've had with him. Although it was an impromptu meeting more out of convenience than intent, at the end of it all, it was a meaningful one to me.
The frustrations of work, the exhaustion of managing some undesirable emotions in my personal life, the lack of time of juggling work on my new place and friends and family...were all swimming in my mind when I met him.
Yet somehow, at the end of the evening, everything in me calmed down for that while...and I needed that.
Both of us changed much in these years, yet some things just doesn't change.
E.g. we still used the same perfumes we've used since oh so long ago...
He's still as resistance towards his long-time fan...etc.
To sum it all...We're both
'SAME-SAME, BUT DIFFERENT'Gotta go now... dinner date calls!
Catching Up
Time really flies doesn't it? In a blink of an eye, years pass... sometimes we lose track of time, at times we lose our way and sadly, we lose beautiful memories...
I met up with turtle, goat, nick and flower on Wed and it has been years since we all managed to meet up together.
The laughs, the conversations, the gossips, the walk down memory lane made it a special evening for me.
When i think back, I'm glad to have them in my life. These long-time friends have always been there for me, teaching me, guiding me, seeing me through ups and downs. And i thank You for that.
Some pics we took at our dinner place in Ghim Mo and our after-meal chill-out at Wild Oats, Bar on the Hill.
Random Pictures
My camera memory card's finally full so i took it out to download them into my com today.
I think my goldfish memory is acting up again...coz if i didn't see the pics, i would've forgotten about those functions!
Not much going on in life now except work and going out, so i'll just post the pics...
Cupcake that a colleague baked for me... KAWAII!
Cake that a colleague bought for her leaving party...HUAT ar!
Eve's birthday BBQ
Guppy's lil birthday celebration...
Dog run with Na, Amos, Polo and Whiskey
Me in my beloved bike jacket and AerobladeII helmet... I miss my bike so much...*wail*
Goldfish Memory
This week has been pretty fun actually, albeit tiring. Typical work day starts at 7am, ends at 7pm... go out till about 2am (on the average), do a lil work and miscellaneous things till about 4.30am and then wake up at 7am the next day again.
I took a memory test that J sent recently, and my score was atrociously low. An average person gets 89% of the test right... and i got a freaking erm, i think...25%?
I'm on the 3rd percentile of the whole sample... and they did suggest 'deficiencies' in the area if my score is on the 2nd percentile!! How much closer can i get?
I admit... i always forget faces, names and objects. :( Goldfish memory. But sometimes, it makes my life happier coz i forget bad memories pretty easily as well. Heh... Is that an excuse for forgetting birthdays too?
I made a video for D in anticipation of our 1st year anniversary...but we split before that day actually came so I never got to show it to him... As you can expect, I actually forgotten all about it until i chanced on it rather recently doing some house-keeping on my com! Sigh, i think i need to get my memory checked. I played the video through once more and was reminded of the great many things we had done and memories we had.
I realized that we've gone through a lot of barriers and experiences although it was relatively short a time. I wasn't sorry that we never made it through together, nor did I regret that decision i made... The video simply became the memories replaying and I've learnt to cherish them as an experience in the journey of life we all go through.
Am i sure that i've completely moved on? High probability though I can't be 100% sure. Some people just leave footprints in your life that you'll never forget, but that doesn't mean it's coz you haven't moved on. The ups and downs that you've gone through in the past, the experiences you've once had, the emotions you've felt before.... all contributes to the person you are now.
And D has indeed contributed much to who i am now. But i can safely say that i'm not jaded nor bitter... It's always a choice you make in life. I'm braver now, and stronger with every step i take. And perhaps, I have him to thank...with a pinch of salt i suppose.
Moving on... this is a little more difficult to say...and it's for you if you're reading it. You'll know who you are.
This may sound cliche...but it's not you, it's me. It's not that I haven't moved on from my past relationship, or that I'm still romantically in love with D. I will always love him in my own way, just like the people who were once important will always have a place in my heart.
Basically, I'm just not ready to start dating again. Not yet. I need some time on my own...to understand myself more. I need more time with my family and friends and my work. I think you will make good friends and i enjoy all those times with you. But at this time, I think you deserve someone more certain about life and about love. And I'm not that someone. Maybe one day i might...but not yet.
And if you feel that you can stick to just a friendship till then...we can still hang out.
Ok, nuff said. It's never good to say too much. I hope you've understood what i've just said...coz if you did, you'll know it's not a rejection you're dealing with. I need some time to go through the process of change... I really hope you understand me.
I hope I put the above-mentioned well enough. And if i didn't, I'll explain a lil more next time... But for now, that's my thoughts and if I've caused any hurt, I truly apologise. I'll see you when i see you. :)
