Old Regrets
Oftentimes, we've always wished we'd spent more time with our loved ones... But we don't. And we only regret it when we've lost them forever, and we carry that regret within us and never really become whole again.At least, that was what happened to me when I lost my 2 grandpas and my granny. One of my grandpas passed on when i was 7, and up till today, I still remembered the scenes at the crematorium. I clung on to my dad pretending to be asleep yet silently tearing coz at that age, I simply couldn't understand the concept of him never coming back.
My brother was howling and bawling that day at the crematorium. Later that day, when the adults were speaking to each other in the car (I was eavesdropping while pretending to be asleep), they commented on the difference between my brother and I. Simply put, the adults felt that I was too cruel even as a kid coz I'd rather sleep than to say goodbye.
Fast-forward that by about 13years... my maternal grand-dad passed on. And as I stood in front of his coffin, all the memories I had of him as a kid washed over me. The times he brought me out for walks, when he used whatever little he had to buy me toys, the times he carried me and rocked me on his lap no matter how old and heavy I already was (he still did that till i was 8)...
I was so utterly disgusted with myself then. At 7, I didn't treasure my grand-dad, and maybe i excused myself from that thinking i was too young to know. But at 20... why didn't I? Why did i only realize it when it was too late again?! I sped through the expressways shouting at the top of my lungs through my helmet that night but the frustration didn't go away... in the end, i simply parked my bike at a neighbourhood carpark and wept. (wah, super drama right? Felt extremely lonely then tho...)
No, I didn't go through a drastic change at that time. Neither did i start crying whenever i saw elderly folks pass by... :P (ok, bad joke). But when I see those elderly folks...sometimes, my heart hurts a lil coz I never did forgive myself totally for my irresponsibility and infidelity.
I am still not the best grand-daughter i can be, but with one remaining grandparent left, I try to visit much more regularly than in the past, maybe once or twice every month just for a simple dinner and sit with her while she watches her favourite TV programmes, chats with her about work and the going-ons with my life...etc.
Just simple things... things that I've always taken for granted. As i see her getting weaker and weaker as the months pass, I get more and more fearful that she'll leave one day. Have you ever wished you could give up a month of your life just so the person you love can have one more? What about a year? What about 5 years? I know I would, albeit impossible.
I know some of you question my action for D's grandparents... but frankly, it's not the glory or the nobility or even trying to get into D's 'good books'... I just feel that they deserve so much more... and seeing how little goodness they get at times is somewhat heart-wrenching.
Well, I'm already starting to feel depressed, so I shan't continue.
Moving on... some entertainment for you on visit to grannie's yesterday...
The cam ran outta batt just when we were finalizing our poses for the pic with my grams and 3 cousins in it... well...that simply means...there's a next time. :P
posted by dorothy @ 11:20 PM
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