the world through my rose-tinted glasses...my world...

Point of View

"It's funny how one thing happens
And it changes your whole point of view
Everything that seemed to matter
Gets cast aside for a better truth"

Work has been rather hectic these few days and i admit, it has been rather draining.

Met A.L. for Rush Hour 3 and dinner earlier...the show wasn't that bad but it did fall short of my expectation. It wasn't as funny as I had hoped for it to be, or maybe laughing hasn't been my strong trait anyway.

We talked quite a bit tonight but other than relating facts, I'm unable to articulate what i feel...coz...coz...I'm clueless.

I can't figure myself out sometimes, and if i can't, i doubt anyone else can. I can't talk myself through it, or make a mind-map out of it coz simply, i don't where to start...and is it even advisable to start pondering? Well...too many voices in my head...so I just end up not doing anything.

What can I do to ease the tension raging within if i can't find its root?
Whine, cry, rant, destroy things or get drunk?
Or bury myself in work, take it out on someone, immerse myseif in activities, date again or surround myself with friends?

None of the above seemed like a good idea. I just don't think it's wise, and I'll pretty much succumb to that weakness if i tried any of the above.

Other suggestions: Turn cold, become cynical, stop caring, never trust people easily again....
It may work in getting your defenses up so no one can hurt you again...but you'll just be pretty much alone eventually...can't love, can't hate, can't feel...

I guess I'm old enough to stand up on my own, get through the rain again. I don't need to deliberately find distractions coz none of that will make me a better person. Might as well look at every hurt in the straight on till they break and fade.

But doing that wears me down a bit... seems like battling on who'll back down first. I don't have enough confidence to bet that I'll win... but I'm gonna try real hard.

I've tried my best to be decent to D. True, i do get pissed when he comes up with childish actions and ball-less stunts to push the hurts deeper into me. There are times when there's an urge to thrash back, and make him hurt as well.

But what does that make me? I'll be a worse person than he is. That'll cost me more than the satisfaction of destroying someone... Not that i'm not saying it's not an extremely tempting thought at times.

Why does it matter to me that he keeps misunderstanding matters, or keeps accusing me of certain wrongs? I do wish he finds the truth somehow, but why...why does it matter to me that he finds the truth? Why does it matter what he thinks of me?

I don't have the answers to all these questions.

I just want to be more sensible and handle everything better now compared to what i did in the past so that i can face myself better when i wake up everyday. Losing trust in others and ceasing to love just isn't the way.

Ever felt tired of being sensible and struggling to do things right? Ever felt the urge to break-down and just let someone else lick your wounds? Wished there was an easier way around? I do sometimes...

There's a saying that goes, 'Hurt people, hurt people' = Those who hurt others, are people who are hurt.

I admit I've some hurts lurking around inside...but i'll try my utmost best not to hurt another this time. At least I'm working on it...

posted by dorothy @ 12:44 AM