One full cycle...
One full cycle has gone and the events are repeating themselves again... but without that someone by my side this time. It has been rather difficult gazing at the fireworks this year...If things ended 4 months ago, or 4 months later, it might have been easier to deal with i reckon. The road ahead isn't dark at all, yet i'm fearful of what i've to face again tomorrow...the day after...the week after...
I'm afraid that the next step might be too hard, and i'm afraid that Dorothy can't go on anymore...and perhaps, it's that fear that keeps me going, it's the thought of giving up that keeps me moving. I just can't face myself if I let who i've built myself to be collapse and crumble.
Some think i'm prideful, some don't understand why image is still so important at a time like this... It's not coz i think my friends will look down on me or think less of me as a person... To put it simply, i wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I succumb to those raging emotions and be tempted to give up on myself coz that's a downhill route.
I'm not using work or the numerous activities I have to numb myself...sometimes, i hate all the things i have to do coz i'm always so exhausted at the end of the day. Yet, I guess those are the things that keep me moving, and the exhaustion eliminate all the wonderings in my mind.
I still love D through it all...though i know he's not worth it anymore. But I've been loved before by some, although i didn't deserve those affection... Love's a difficult thing to understand.
I've made mistakes, and I'll accept the price I've to pay for them... and I'm trying my best to deal with my emotions rationally... Elaine said this to me many years ago and it stuck with me -"When in doubt, do what's right."
True, there's a fine line between right and wrong, and it's always based on our perspective in things. Hating may be right for some, but wrong for others. Crying may be acceptable to some, yet unacceptable to others, being destructive may be kinder to some, but vicious to others... it all comes down to differing beliefs and perspective.
I finally shared some truths with A...and he was rather shocked to find out that i've been lying to him all along...but i was forgiven rather easily still. We had a long talk that night and somehow, my heart felt a lil lighter and the burden's a lil easier. I had never believed that talking things out could relieve situations, unless you are certain that that person can give you a solution. But that night changed my perspective, and I'm thankful for him.
A friend i had a long time ago said this to me..."I will be there to pull you up when you fall, and even give you a free dusting of your knees." This must've been said almost 9 years ago but it still touches me everytime i think of that.
That's what friends are for isn't it?
To all my buddies... thanks for your support. Thanks for letting me pretend i'm cool and tough although you all know better. You understand that I need this time alone and not coz i don't trust you. You know my weaknesses and my idiosyncracies.
I know you'll always be there for me when i need that shoulder to cry on, or be my ranting can... Maybe i'll need that comfort someday...but for now, i think i can still hold on a lil longer... Thanks for understanding me enough to let me be.
I know you are all close by, all ready for that moment I turn to ask for help. 'Thank you' doesn't seem to express what i feel. I am truly blessed to have you as my friends... Thank you...from the bottom of my heart.
posted by dorothy @ 12:54 AM
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